How to Blend Families in Midlife After Loss or Divorce: 4 Realistic Tips for the Holidays and Beyond

Blending families at any age comes with unique challenges—but doing it in midlife, after loss or divorce, adds an entirely new layer of complexity. There’s grief, expectations, adult children, new partners, and a desire for connection that sometimes feels just out of reach.

Chris and I met almost five years ago. He had lost his wife to cancer, and I had been through a divorce. Together, we had five grown kids—two his, three mine—and very different experiences of what family gatherings had looked like in the past.

Early on, I thought we could just make it work. I planned our first Christmas gathering assuming it would be magical, meaningful, and maybe even a little healing. Spoiler: it was a disaster. I brought a suitcase full of unrealistic expectations, forced awkward conversations, and forgot that family blending—especially with adult kids—takes time, space, and a lot of grace.

This past week, we just completed an early Christmas gathering in a snowy cabin in Breckenridge, Colorado. All but two of our kids were able to join, and while it wasn’t perfect (I’ve long let go of chasing that myth), it was good. There was laughter, great food, dog snuggles, fresh snow, and honest moments of connection.

Here’s what I’ve learned (the hard way):

1. Invite everyone, but be thankful for who shows up.

One of the quickest ways to ruin a gathering is to let disappointment over who isn’t there overshadow the people who are. Whether due to distance, life stage, or complicated emotions, not everyone may be able to join—and that’s okay. Don’t guilt-trip or over-focus on their absence. Be fully present with the people in the room. Your gratitude will create a warmer space for everyone who made the effort to be there.

2. Make space for grief—yours and theirs.

Even years after a divorce or the loss of a spouse, grief can sneak in during the holidays. The smell of a certain meal, an ornament from another life, or a missing voice during family traditions—it all matters. Let yourself feel it. Don’t be surprised if your kids feel it too. Grief doesn’t always come with tears; sometimes it looks like irritation, withdrawal, or tension. Honor the past and stay open to the new. You can hold both.

3. Don’t expect instant connection (even among people who love you).

It’s easy to hope for blended family bonding—especially when you’ve worked so hard to bring everyone together—but connection takes time. Even biological siblings have their share of drama, so it’s unfair to expect your partner’s kids and your own to suddenly get along or feel close. Keep the pressure low. Plan simple activities. Respect people’s rhythms. You can’t force closeness, but you can create safe, low-stakes moments that plant seeds for it.

4. Communicate with your partner—and be honest with yourself.

This one matters most. Blending families will stir up emotions, and your partner may not always understand yours. It’s important to remember: your partner won’t love your child the way you do. They can support and care about them deeply, but they aren’t their parent—and that’s a line that matters.

Stay self-aware. If your partner expresses something hard about your child, try not to go straight into defense mode. Pause. Listen. Ask questions. And when things feel off between you, talk about it. Misunderstandings in blended families are common—but they don’t have to be permanent. Healthy communication is your superpower.

There’s no such thing as a perfect family.
But with intention, grace, and realistic expectations—you can build a healthy one. One that makes space for grief and joy. One that doesn’t force connection but gently invites it. One that reflects the work you’ve done to grow.

And when you see your partner living out a dream—whether it’s walking your goofy Bernese Mountain Dog through a Christmas parade or watching your kids finally laugh at the same joke—you’ll know: every mile, every awkward moment, and every conversation was worth it.

You’re building something beautiful.
Even now.
Even in midlife.

Want more?
Read Navigating the Holidays With Adult Children for practical tips, including how I handled a not-so-pretty Christmas a few years back (hint: I came unglued).